In Better Company
“Your company begins with You.”
Today when we hear the word company, most of us think of large corporations such as Exxon Mobile, Toyota, General Motors and others.
This is not the type of company I’d like to discuss. I am referring to your circle of friends – people you are closest to – those who you count on to stand with you in good times and bad. Those who you rely on to cheer you up when you are down and share the joy of happy moments and special occasions.
If you have a good group of friends, some could also be family members, who you trust and respect, you are really lucky. Whether this group is large or small, what’s important is the quality of the relationship you have with those who fall into your intimate circle.
What is interesting is that when we think of our company, most of us don’t think of ourselves. And why would we? After all, we are talking about other people. But this is not entirely true. What we often don’t realize is that our company begins with the relationship we have with self.
This relationship has been heavily defined by our interactions with those closest to us moms, dads, or other caretakers during our formative years. Those who we spent the most time with have a significant influence on shaping our perception of self, others, and the world.
These early-formulated ideas about who we are and how we can expect to be treated, as well as how we should treat others influence inner dialogue that is constantly happening in our heads. Therefore, if you felt loved and accepted, most likely you’ve internalized positive messages about self. You know how to be kind and forgiving to self. Your self-talk is encouraging and constructive.
However if no matter how hard you tried, you were always left feeling that you just couldn’t get it quite right and ultimately ended up being criticized and ridiculed by others, overtime, you must’ve learned to believe that you are not good enough and don’t deserve the love and support of those you tried so hard to please. The negative and punitive messages that are playing in your head are the ones that you’ve grown used to. You are hard on yourself. You always expect more of yourself. You are never quite satisfied with your accomplishments. You wonder how it is to feel really good about yourself.
Clearly, our perception of self is heavily based on the feedback and comments we were exposed to when we were young. But do we have a good insight into who we are today?
In sessions, clients often describe themselves using the rhetoric they heard from others growing up. It is only natural that these messages became ingrained in their psyche and now are a big part of their self-identity. Frequently, these self-descriptions are negative and mean-spirited.
One of the ways to understand inner speech is to take a step back and examine this chatter rather than accept it as the universal truth. Maybe the comments that we continue to hold on to were never meant to carry such great significance. Maybe they were made in the heat of the moment or simply poorly verbalized the intended messages. Maybe they were truly heartless and hurtful. Whatever the case may be, it is possible that today they are no longer accurate or helpful.
The relationship with self is of the most significance. This is definitely the one that will need to withstand the test of time. Undoubtedly, it is worth working on.
To do so, I invite you to reflect on the inner dialogue that is going on in your head. Do you like what you are hearing? Is it time to reexamine your inner speech? How does your self-talk help you feel better and achieve more?
Take some time to reflect. Reevaluate your messages. Get rid of the negative narrative. Be kind to yourself and always remember – you are in your own company first; and this company is not going anywhere, so make the best of it!